people around me keep dying. it should be a matter of time before the ones closest to me do. or before i do.

i had this english professor in college way back, from my first course, who was known in school as the terror teacher... but i adored her.

it could be the colorful scarves she always wore or the big ass beaded jewelry. she really gave off strong professor trelawney vibes with her fashion sense, but she was more of a mcgonagall in character. it could be her voice everytime she'd say her trademarked "rrRRepeeet!" everytime we failed to meet her standards for her assignments... And this was just English 1. GenEd English, I swear. Haha. 

I don't know. 

All i know was that she was an interesting character, and I had this goal to gain her approval. Everyone was scared of her, but not me. I wanted to meet her standards. I wanted to be good enough. You could say she was a sensei in my eyes. I almost kissed the ground she'd tread on.

One might not think much about that school, because it's in an area one could call the countryside. Plus, it's literally just a few minutes away from UP Mindanao, so it's completely outshined, I guess. But idk. 

Sometimes, I still think that maybe if I didn't leave Davao, maybe if I stayed and finished my studies there, maybe I'd have even the slightest disillusionment about self-fulfillment, just like that day I reported to class and that English professor asked me questions and I answered them all. Maybe I'd be pleased with myself, even just a little. 

Now, the news of her passing is all over my Davao-people-I-Don't-Associate-Much-With circle, and of course, I'm not devastated, but it's a downer. Pair that up with this hangover from last night's gin, and I'm good to go. Not. (I haven't had alcohol for 3 weeks before last night)

I hope there's no reception or wifi connection where you are right now, Ma'am Sobre. Please don't proofread this blog post slash diary entry. Lol. 

I hope your son is dealing fine with this news. I think you have a nice family. You're really an interesting character. It would've been nice to get to know you and hang out with you. Too bad, we never did. Or maybe it's a good thing to just watch people from afar. 

 You should know that my respect for you went a notch higher that night when you had the student pub staff pick up boxes of books from your house. Your taste is interesting. Those books are what my cool, internet friends would find interesting. [rereading and huh, word of the day seems to be 'interesting' lol]

Anyway, I was going through the Facebook profiles of some names I once knew, and there was this one prof who stood out to me. Her display picture was that of her family having fun in a playground, and I read the comments under it, and she shared to a friend (who asked) that her son is studying in Manila right now.

I had a fleeting thought that maybe I know her son. Maybe I could reach out. It would be nice to be friends with someone who has a family that's all smiles like that. Maybe I should believe in a god. Maybe that's what'll fix all this. Maybe I'll be better with that.

I can't believe that at the end of it all, maybe all I wanted in life is what I ran away from. 

Is it?

When I think about it, I know I still have people there who'd welcome me, but I don't think that's the choice I want to go with, but it would be nice to have a routine where I go to Sunday church and talk to what would have been my peers. We go to the mall and watch no-brainer movies. We go mountain climbing or something every once in a while with our college friends. It would be nice to have a consistent circle of friends in my life. The friends I have are people whom I cannot put in the same room. Except for when I die. If they can even come. 

Everything is sooo compartmentalized. I deal with them separately. I don't know what I want to say anymore. I just want to let this out. 

Fuck. This life feels like limbo. Yeah.

Maybe living life like everyone else, the way it's been laid out for us since time eternal isn't that bad of an idea. Maybe families preparing a tarp with your grad pic on it isn't cringe like in the movies. Maybe my dad showing me off to his friends isn't embarrassing. If I think about it, it's actually sweet how he's still (somehow) a little proud of me despite everything I haven't achieved. I do know that there's an ulterior motive when he does that. He uses me to gain sympathy from those people, to emphasize even more how much he needs money. I still hate that.

I've been noticing lately that my entries have been getting one view. I don't know if it's from me when I reread my shit or if it's from random people or from my ex who's trying to sue me right now or what. 

I'm not exactly complaining, but if you're not me, then thanks for lending me a bit of your time. I don't feel alone as much. 

I hope your Monday turns out nicely. I hope you find out what you want in life. I hope you're a few steps closer to your dreams. I hope you find the opportunities to bring you closer to them. Everything that I want for myself, I also want for you. 

I hope you stay safe and stay strong. You have me just as much as I have you right now. :'>

When that time comes that you have to leave, I hope you don't, but if you really must, I hope you're off to the better things in life.

I hope you'll build yourself a home so firm that no one would be able to take it away from you, and so you'll always have something or someone to turn to each time you find yourself lost. 

I hope for you to never forget the things you want to fight and live for in life to keep you going. Don't ever lose them. 

I hope you don't let your life pass you by. I hope you don't let yourself go numb. I hope you don't have to feel emotions in random outbursts in the most embarrassing places. 

I hope you eat just as needed. I hope you love yourself enough to not drown in the voices and thoughts of those that don't and shouldn't matter. 

Take really good care of yourself. 

But if that view is coming from me then this looks stupid, but oh well. Lol.

It's the impermanence of everything that saddens and relieves me at the same time. But it's saddening for the most part, because I think of the good things that never come back and the bad ones that remain.

Sometimes, it scares me too. Because I feel like I'm a walking time bomb that's about to go off. Not to sound like John Green, but it's really how I feel. Who knows, right? Maybe today, maybe next week, maybe a few months from right now. Maybe on my birthday. What I do know is I don't see things ending any other way.

And I... I don't want that for you. So, whoever you are, go be a better person than me, which you actually already are, if you're any of the people I know and have known. And I mean everyone, including my exes. 

Someday I'll get that feeling back. That feeling of relief when you're finally headed elsewhere. Till then, I guess.