TANGINA MAY KWENTO AKO MATATAWA KA.

YUNG DILD* KO NAHALO SA LAUNDRY KO

ANSAYA ANO

September 2026

 

It's been almost 10 years since this photo. 

I miss parts of the girl I once was.

 Me: gustong mag-WFH

Boss: nagpa-Spin the Wheel

 Today was a kinder day.

Someone said pag madidinig niya akong tumatawa, natatawa din daw siya. 🥹

 the future is not as frightening when it is the present

but i am so, so tired.

 Napag-agreehan namin ni Matt na this too shall pass, ika nga. 

I am so tired. My body feels bruised all over. My mind is dead. Trying to feel better with an electric blanket.

Good quote: Mas masahol pa sa bobo ang bobong nagmamarunong.

I forgot how it started pero magkasama kaming namimili ng pagkain. Tuwang tuwa pa ako kasi tumatanggap ng card yung tindera. Sa kalye kasi sila nagbebenta, dun sa may elementary school

Tapos namili ako pagkain, uminom ako 7-Up tapos dinala ko si kidnapper sa bahay unintentionally. Bale naghiwalay kami after buying food, sabi ko gusto kong umuwi. Di ko alam sinusundan nya pala ako tapos inunlock nya gate tsaka pinto ko, all to show na I'm not safe where I live.

Then parang inalok nya akong sumama sa kanya pero I declined kasi I don't feel safe with him nga. Then after nun may nakita akong nakaabang sa bahay tapos tinitignan ako habang nakasilip ako sa bintana then may kasama syang student. Parang nagpapanggap siyang basurero para may dahilan siya to be at my street. Naka pasok yung student sa apartment then in-ask nya ako from outside my door if I want to have sex with them kasi gusto nya daw ma-experience yung "susunod na Nicole" Of course, I said no. Tas habang nag usap kami pumasok din yung lalaki sa apartment/compound then nagmakaawa ako sa pinsan kong wag syang umalis and wait nya ako nataranta ako kakahanap ng go bag ko hanggang iniwan ako ni cousin kasi dun siya sumabay kay Nicole and kidnapper palabas ng compound

So nag-isip ako pano ako lalabas ng bahay kasi baka dakpin nila ako sa gate pa lang. Nagbook ako Moveit pero worried akong baka kakuntsaba din siya nung kidnapper

I don't feel like I exist. I feel like I am too big for the life I have and I don't like who I am or the life I live.

 The entire way to work feels like a walk of shame, but I power through taking every next step. Today is another one of those when I don't feel that I exist or shouldn't, at least.

I feel like whoever I was supposed to be is bigger than this life I'm contained in. I just don't like who I am. I hate myself so much. I really hate myself. I fucking hate myself. 

Is it a backhanded compliment when someone tells you to try something new because there are others who made it with far less qualifications?

I may be wrong but it reminds me of when my aunt called me an underachiever and I took it to mean that I was being called some type of achiever until I understood the word, which just proved her point. 

Right now, it feels to me like I'm being told to try, not in an encouraging way, but without any concern at all because it doesn't matter what I do and because, "people who are less qualified do and win anyway."

 Proof of life yehey

"May mga gabing hindi ka maililigtas ng malaking sagot. Minsan, ang humihila sa'yo pabalik ay isang maliit na abala."

~***~

In other news, my partner has become more proactive about sex but I wish this happened earlier, before I changed. Now, this feels awkward because I don't feel the same way anymore 🥲 I also don't want to shut it down because I want to see whether this is just a phase or not, but I have to say, I'm a little scared kasi it's different from what I've been used to.

I want to know whether this is gonna be our normal or not.

The recent shooting in the Senate building makes me wonder about the future of the Philippines. After BBM's term, would the Doo-thirty administration come out on top and take over the next presidential elections? I'm prolly just in denial right now. 

I bet pakiramdam ng mga sympathizers nila na martyrs si Batwo and Doo-thirty. I think of my relatives in Davao.

I'm suppressing any deep emotions and thoughts about this because I'll feel hopeless otherwise.

***

In other news, I have the biggest crush on Ahn Hyo-Seop 🥳💖

Mahalin mo ako please 😫 Sana may jowa sya kasi gusto kong kiligin. Ang interesting nya and pogi as a person (or his persona at least)

***

I'm listening to Kanye's JESUS IS KING at the moment and I feel lukewarm towards the album pero kaninang umaga, I was reminded of Jordan Ward so I listened to some songs from his old album and grabe, that takes me back... I can't say it was a fully good time pero hindsight is 20/20. Who would've thought that was already the better part of my life and things could still get worse? Right now, it feels like I'm even more so on survival mode than before. 

***

Klaire, a dear old friend, put out a Substack entry and ang amusing lang na ang relevant for me nga, with the recent visit to Calaca and all.

Anyway, di ko nakuha baptismal certificate ko at di rin tanda ng tatay ko saan ako bininyagan but I got these instead: 

St. Therese, Kinder 1

Don Bosco, Prep school 

Tuition dati, grabe!

Eto na lang muna siguro. Bye!

Last weekend means so much to me as far as my relationship with Matt goes.

It was a very sad trip tho. 

No other photos than these ones below.

 

It was a sad trip. Details to follow once I've fully processed my feelings. 

In other news, here: May 2026 - I'll add more to this playlist when I find more songs I like :) 

Anyway may batang kumausap sa akin kasi gusto nya rin ng tamagotchi na bigay ni Matt hehe

Ansaya mag-emote pauwi

Hindi titigil ang mundo para makahabol ako

~***~

Messages taken out of context

I have to say, I'm happy na nakapagligpit ako konti sa kwarto ko. I hope this keeps up.

Medyo nervous ako about next month kasi nakita ko mga nasa comment section ng event and puro mga Tito andon tapos mag-isa lang ako pupunta. Will I enjoy myself? 🤷

~***~

Random Snaps

~***~

Not sure if you missed this, but I never stopped making them lol: April 2026

 I feel like shit 

All the jokes sound the same and nothing's funny anymore. 

"People often fall out of love when they are depressed because they no longer feel connected to themselves and their partner," says licensed therapist Abbey Sangmeister, MSEd, LPC, ACS. "Depression creates a fog around us that does not allow us to see or feel clearly, which can cause us to feel that no one loves us, we feel or don’t have the energy to love and give, or feel overall numb and disconnected."

Could this be why I feel unfulfilled in this relationship? Maybe I'm just depressed.

I think this is good enough reassurance for now.

gusto ko iumpog ulo ko sa mesa ko 

yan ang aking daily intrusive thought