I may have just had a Eureka moment after watching a movie analysis on Whiplash lol so maybe my tendency to get drawn towards intimidating people and to find their soft spot is not me looking for a challenge but me wanting the approval of a familiar figure, since a lot of my relationships (family) have been like that—founded on abuse hahahahha I turn to a person im rly scared of/intimidated by, sort of place them on a pedestal and try to gain their approval HAHAHAHAHHAHA FUCK

Not sure if that made sense. Hope it did. Funny lang. Hahahahahahah I can't believe it hahahahahha

How do I get over this hahahahahhaha

Anw don't get me wrong I can still discern between the right and wrong amount of pressure and stress so there ahha but

OOTDs for the past few days bc u're special to me so u get exclusive updates, i got u b.

Details? I don't have a lot. Ah, had a friend crash in my place for the meantime. She's been staying with me for close to a week now. It's all cool so far.

I'm tired. Been doing terribly at work. I'd have a song for u if only I weren't tired and drained as fuck sori

Started playing Wordscapes again.

Take care :)

 Ok I have songs for u

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Shouldn't I be dreaming your dreams with you by now? I thought the world of you.

Time heals all wounds, just not as quick as I hoped it would. 

 I hate wearing bras but with nipple tapes it's always a will-it-fall-off-or-stay-on game. Tired.

I reactivated my Facebook but man I felt even more let down after scrolling for a few mins. I rly hate the platform. 

 I lost 8 kgs!!!!!!!!!!! YEHEY normal na BMI ko pero goal ko mag 45 kg talaga skl haaaha thank u diet pills lmao

I sort of made something over the weekend but idk how to go about it or what story I want to tell exactly so I'll just dump it here until further notice lol

Song

 

Ganda talaga ng putang inang kanta 'to. 

 I feel like shit. Didn't realize until after na 3 hrs na pala ako nakatunganga. I don't feel real. Sorry no songi

I feel numb floaty kinda thinking of killing myself too but I'm doing my best to be reasonable. Wala pa akong panglibing di pa pwede. Boy do I wanna die tho.

I don't hate anything or anyone, maybe just myself. I'm just tired and so fed up of everything :)

I hope your side of the planet is treating you well at least despite the shitfest that the world has been lately. 

It feels pointless to tell friends about how I feel. I feel so disconnected already. I take a look at the list of friends I have, and I can't find anyone I'd want to reach out to. Idk why. It's not that I don't trust them, it's that... idk.

I know that I am loved. I know my friends love me. But I can't find it in me to tell them this kind of things anymore. I don't want to waste their time. I feel like a burden. 

Can the world be a little bit gentler? Can the days be a little bit kinder? Can my brain be a little nicer??

I've always hoped for the kinder tomorrows that a friend once said would come my way eventually, and here they are now, but is this really the kindest they'll ever be?

Why does it still hurt so much? 

One reading I got last time called out how I ave this unproductive tendency to isolate from people, and it was just recently that I've stopped being in denial that I have been, indeed, putting myself in this self-imposed isolation. 

I want to break out of it, you know? It's just that it feels like there is no world to welcome me back. 

And this frustrates me which only makes me want to isolate even more and disconnect from the already few people that I still have left on my side idk haha 

So eto 9 na, 4 hrs kulang-kulang na ako nagmumunimuni :) wan ko

I wish I could afford therapy right now. 

Trying my hardest to keep from bleaching and dyeing my hair 

I still ended up finding a song for you anyway lol ilang oras ka ba naman tumunganga 

Here. 

 I was supposed to start my vocal lessons this weekend but I ditched it bc honestly? I don't feel ready. Also, Bebu and I have been snuggling the whole weekend. I've only been sleeping na nagka-shoulder cramps ako for a good amount of time today 🤣 

I got up at 8pm today to buy food instead of ordering sa Grab. Tipid times needed, tapos bumili ako ng kaldereta sa closest karinderya na bukas pa at this hour PERO PUTANGINA KALDERETA DAW PERO LASANG AFRITADA??? ANG LUNGKOT NAMAN NUN????

I'm supposed to reapply for my UMID tomorrow pero as always tinatamad ako lol

Hindi na ako alien btw haha

Grabe hangover ko sa Mulholland Drive hindi ako makapanood ng anything else kahit kdrama haha

May Twitter mutual ako na kabute tapos biglang bumalik kahapon at nag-announce na kaya pala siya ganon ay dahil, *drumroll*, buntis pala siya all along. And that's after niya mag-Yuzpe method which is also all I did after my last sexual intercourse. Natakot ako bigla para sa sarili ko, pero nagpapasalamat na rin ako dahil ang swerte ko. Pero hindi nga ako laging suswertehin. Kaya never again na. Safe sex na lang talaga.

Dami ko planong gawin today. Sana makiayon ang panahon at sana nga ay hindi na ako tamarin lol

 Song

 Masaya magmahal and things do not feel as heavy as they normally do, but why do I feel like things are not real for some reason

Nawala yung iba kong tinype dito pero ang song mo ay thru the fire ni Chaka Khan kasi lahat kaya niya tahalin alamg alang sa pag ibig kasi masarap naman talaga magmahal ayun lang babay may iba la ako sinabi peor pagod na ako ulitin hahahahaha

 Gusto kong makatulog na pero di ko rin magawa. I felt like shit, and I kid you not, only my dog is keeping me alive right now. Haha. It slightly helped din na magbasa ng bad reviews about my work company on Indeed hahaha I cried for a good five minutes and then started feeling better after giving my dog the skrimtches. It's calming to just watch her exist and go about her day and eat and whatever gnite no song today my phone is broken, some parts of the screen are unresponsive bye

 Nagisa ako sa work today. I feel like crap. Haha. My phone is also broken as in some part of the screen is unresponsive. So happy Saturday I guess. 

 I still haven't finished Mulholland Drive, but here are two songs for you!

I've been trying to finish Mulholland Drive, but I feel so tired lately. I will never drink again on a Sunday!!! Kasi ang ending umiinom pa rin kami till Monday morning and pagod ako till now. May OT pa ako mamaya 🥹🥹🥹🥹

 Yellow!

I have been off Instagram for a while now, well, my main account at least. I kept one account for this one friend kasi wala siyang Twitter/ayaw niya ibigay. Oks lang.

I've been on Twitter mostly. Malapit na rin ako mag-one month away from IG. Love it. My boss asked if I want to be a part of a GC on Messenger, dun sila nagpaplano ng stuff or announce ng updates. I refused. Eh isa nga ang work sa dahilan kung bakit ayoko maging reachable eh. Traumatized sa OT yorn. Hahaha emz.

May nakita akong post ba, ang sabi (non-verbatim), ang mga may karapatan lang daw mag-isolate like what I'm doing now is yung mga taong established na raw.

Masaya naman ako sa ginagawa ko. Bakit ba. Tsaka sa totoo lang, naaasar lang naman ako. Kahit naman nung may socmed ako, parang wala pa rin naman akong kaibigan. Wala akong go-to people lol so oks na rin tong ganito. Wala namang kinaibahan. At least I don't waste energy loving people who don't really share the same energy.

May nag-aaya sa aking lumabas ngayon, sa MOA raw tatambay. I hate malls. Hahahaha. I also hate people right now. While I want to break out of my routine, do something different ba, galit din ako sa mundo eh.

 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Tsaka sa totoo lang, hirap na akong i-navigate yung circle of friends na yun kasi yun yung same circle na may bad rep ako for hooking up with someone. 

I also did something terrible to my (ex-?) office crush, but that's another story, and I'm too out of it to elaborate. IYKYK. 

Ok that's it for the day basta galit ako sa mundo ATM lol

Ang song for the day ay wala basta FYI nag-aadik ako kay Usher dahil sa Tinydesk niya

Charot meron — eto. 

Grabe, kakaiba yung pagod ko today pero di naman ako inaantok. Gusto kong uminom pero pagod din ako. 

 Yellow!

Yesterday was a weird day. So, I got drunk at my boss's place. Hindi ako nagkalat sa bahay ng boss ko!! Dun lang sa ride home pauwi 🤡 I remember crying kasi the workmate who dropped me off sounded angry 

Anw I wish I could work from home and it's so weird when I woke up kasi may blue face mask sa sahig ng kwarto ko tapos may bag ng suka and the latter is so out of character of me

I also woke up naked 

Happy payday! We are not preganté!!! Hurray!!!!

I feel so down tho. I won't elaborate na muna. No song. I've just been listening to Michael Jackson and Toto lately. 

I'm not okay, I feel so exhausted. 

I changed my mind. I have a song for you. 

An iron fist in a velvet glove, ganda lang ng phrase. 

I'm sure I have friends, I don't really feel like I still have any left. I'm not comfortable opening up to them anymore about how I feel or when I feel vulnerable, like right now. There's someone who's open to listening to me now I guess, pero ayoko na magsalita kasi I'd only feel like a burden to her. So I'll just keep talking to her at least. 

 Am I preganté or does God love me?? We shall find out in a week ahha

Your song. 

This too. 

I feel a little numb. 

Anyway there was this dress from an ukayan nearby and I felt like a Star Wars character or something kaso di siya kasya haha

Ge

What a weird and exhausting day. I'd tell you more about it, but I've been getting 2 consistent views on my blog lately, so it appears there's an unwelcome intruder here. Like, if I never gave you access here why are you so intrusive lol

The only one welcome here is that one consistent viewer Ive had on here for years, not this noob. 

Get off my space and get your own. 

 Had a bad dream today. Hinuhuli ako ng pulis, I was trapped insidemy Davao home. Papatayin nila ako, tapos andun yung officemate ko sa panaginip ko. Siguro kung hindi pa ako nagising baka umiyak na ako ulit sa tulog ko.