Dumaan akong SM kanina kasi naglalakad ako pauwi from office. Naalala ko nung bigla na lang akong kiniss ni Matt hahaha kasi ang nice nung tinambayan namin. Kailan kaya ulit hays

Also, I was going over the photos on my phone and hehe nag away kami ni Matt nung nakaraan kasi sabi ko ang tagal na naming di nagkikita, I was under the impression we last saw each other nung July 2. Kaya I've been asking how we could have let that go on for that long. Man.

We saw each other last July 29. Barely even month since. I'm so sorry Matt. Can we just laugh it off I was dumb it was dumb.

I do miss him tho. 

 I miss Matt. 

I think I deserve to be alone. Wala pa rin akong ganang kumain. PC won't turn on. Matt is mad and we're not on good terms.

 

Fav song atm

 What a life. 

In all the times na may hindi kami pagkakaintidihan ni Matt, I have nothing negative to tell him. Swerte ko talaga sa kanya. 

I wonder if he still wants me. 

I need a new hobby to enrich my mind and keep off these thoughts from my head. 

I don’t know what to do anymore.

All can I think of are ways to kill myself. And that I really, really, really want to die already. I don't see a future for myself. I don't see things ending any other way. I'm super mean. I'm an asshole. I'm brash.  I'm impulsive. I don't know half the things I say, and yet I still say them. I'm a waste of space. 

I say I'll clean up after my clothes, and my clothes are still where they are months after months. Next thing you know, it's almost been two months already. My clothes are on the floor or in the laundry bag more often than they are in my drawers. 

I see myself in these garments that are strewn everywhere, just searching for their sweet spot in this shoebox of a space I've created for myself. I am also this shoebox, its walls splattered with a dark shade of grey I cannot maintain, but insisted on against my landlord's wishes for the sake of identity, as well as to replace their careless choice of green. 

This is currently my favorite song.

I like these poems. 

Bibigay na ako, parang nauupos na ako. 

Fuck, just give me a good job or please may my employment status be solid/stable. I will look into finishing my degree. I need to graduate to qualify for stuff. Like, experience-wise, I can qualify for many things. It's that I haven't graduated that disqualifies me. Ok. Before this year ends please. 

I guess it's a little sad I can't get that moral support from someone I hoped I would. 

I got lost and forgot there's a life I'm a passive, or an unwilling participant of.

I appreciate the good stuff in my life, but boy, do I feel awful. I can pick myself up this weekend, but I feel like it'll come back and I'll regress in the near future. 

Man, I Love Radiohead

I wish I still had dreams. 

I can't believe I once wanted to write. I wish I still did. And I know I've said this countless times, but I'm too big of a person to not have any desires. 

Adaptation's Meryl Streep encapsulates how I feel. 

I always mean well, and it's not always going to translate, but I always only mean well. I have no personal ambition to nurture and turn me selfish, and I believe I only take what I'm due, although I won't complain if I receive additional. 

I just want to feel alive. 

For today, I'm relieved to at least be partly out of this funk. 

I am watching The Bear as of this writing, and if this isn't the perfect song to end this entry, then I don't know what is. 

My bad, it's been a while since the last

I love Radiohead, man. 

I've skipped work for two days now. I don't know why I'm back in this place again. I'm not in a good headspace. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm in limbo. 

I'm supposed to be a happy person. 

I remain awake, while you effortlessly drift in and out of slumber. I do my best to stay quiet, and then I listen. There is so much to learn from the silence. There is only so much I can learn from the silence.

I wish for us to breathe at the same time. 

 Matt and I played Pinoy Henyo Letterboxd edition. 

I had fun. I hope he did too. 

Nakita ko ulit yung how we started vs how we're doing ba yun, and thank you to the good universe for leading Matt to my direction. Man. 

It's always so fun when we hang out. I like his company. I like his smell. I always yearn to feel his skin.

He randomly kissed me at a parking lot yesterday, and it makes me feel giddy just thinking about it.

Lately, nalululong kami ni Matt sa Restaurant City. Natatawa akong isipin.

 I feel like shit. And like I'm good-for-nothing. Ii feel like I only do nothing but cause shitty stuff to happen for everyone around me. I make things worse for everyone