What a crazy night that was.
So Aly posted a random and general reading and it made me think.
Several parts of the post threw me off guard and made me second guess the decision I've already settled on Sunday evening. For a few hours, I was considering that I follow my heart and wait it out, go with the flow kasi I'll always love him, it seems, and even if I accept that we're just friends, I don't think this love would ever go away. There will always be some part in me where, the moment he does the slightest thing to indicate that maybe we could give it a shot or maybe if we'll still be this tight in the future and I see how different he treats me from the rest, I just might give in again. And honestly, at this point, I cannot draw the line anymore and see where being hopeful for a plausible future ends and where my stupidity and stubbornness begins. The disappointing thing is, I've always been able to discern the difference.
However, Ryan is right—this shouldn't be reduced to a simple yes or no situation. I think this is more than that. So I guess, how I'll go about it is, yes, I will respect what he wants because yes, it's better not to lose him. I will not wait for him. I will not close my doors. I'll just focus on myself.
For now, and as it has always been, I'll just continue working on myself. Maaga pa naman. We're still working on ourselves pa rin naman. May bilang ako sa buhay niya, siya rin sa akin. We're still in each other's lives. Masaya na ako dun. I'll let time do its thing. And tbh, ang gaan lang ng lahat. Natakot lang ako sa reading ni Aly kagabi kasi ang sapul ng parts na yun.
But honestly? For some reason, I don't feel hurt at all. I don't feel like I'm being stupid either. Like, napag-isipan ko na talaga 'to, and for some reason which I don't know yet, I'm okay. It doesn't even feel like I'm going to have any regrets. I love him. And despite everything, I don't mind. It just feels light, like it's just something I do on the daily, like it's a part of my being. Don't get me wrong, hindi ako umaasa at all. Because regardless of what I feel, it would be a great disservice to both Ryan and to my integrity if I keep crossing the line after we've already cleared it up. Even if this feeling seems right, perfect, like it's the most natural thing to do.
Love is infinite, but I'll just keep loving him like this until the very last drop, and if that doesn't happen, the most I can do is live my life and just let things happen organically.
For things beyond my control, I mostly leave it up to time, but I somehow have this certainty that our bond is something strong, and I'm convinced it's only going to grow into a better version each time. I don't even have any basis as to why I'm this convicted, but hey. :) I have faith in my judgment. My life is going well now, maybe that counts for something.
