And I said, "Baka yung pagkakahiwa lang ng karne sa Reyes Barbecue yung iniyakan ko o kaya kasi may mga pinapatay para lang makakain ako ng bulalo." Those were true stories.

Truth is, I know full well why I cried.

Not gonna lie, I miss the water gun fights in hotel rooms and dancing in the living room with my feet on your toes but I dont miss you blacking out and pretending to have another personality while talking in a British accent.

Or the cheating either.

I miss riding shopping carts in supermarkets and browsing through items, pretending to build a home with you, and the weird impromptus at the most unexpected of times and the plastic toy swordfighting and you trying to catch a non-blurry photo of me because you know how embarrassed I get with having my pics taken and the late night strolls and I miss being hugged and feeling your warmth when I cry and I miss hugging you.

[It's getting worse, oops.]


We were fucking happy. Or at least I thought we were.

Because I was.

Despite the overwhelming misery, there was some sort of comfort in knowing I had you just as much as you have me.

And that is why I cry. 

I'm in the office right now and things are fucked up and messy right now. I don't know what's going on but it feels like I'm losing my grip on myself. It felt like hihiwalay na yung kaluluwa ko sa sa katawan ko kanina at ngayon, it felt like I was floating. I cannot function. I'm just typing this in between episodes. I went to the restroom to get a hold of myself then went back to work but it happened in between calls. I don't know what's happening. I don't even feel like crying. I don't know what emotion this is. Or if this is just vertigo. For a moment, parang lumulutang ako, parang slowly lumulutang na ako palayo sa desk ko, sa katawan ko, sa screen ko, tapos tinitignan ko yung kamay kong nanginginig tapos tinitignan ko yung screen ko tsaka yung trabahong dapat kong tapusin tapos wala.

Wala akong maramdamang sense of urgency. Wala akong maramdaman.

Tapos nakatitig lang ako dun sa tupperware na may nakasulat na pangalan ko, tinutukan ko yung handwriting ng pangalan ko tapos parang papalayo na ako sa pangalan ko. Para akong lumalayo sa lahat.

I check my pulse and it feels like my heart is also beating fast but it's not. Naririnig ko lang yung tibok niya.

Para akong masusuka, parang gusto kong masuka. Parang gusto ko na lang mapikit.

I know this should not happen, and that something might be wrong, pero idk, idk. I don't understand