Untitled no. 1

Stop yourself even when it's hard. Expect the worst to happen.

When did shielding yourself from pain become wrong?

Pag nasobrahan na to the extent na you miss out on everything, even the good ones.

It's hard to re-condition someone's mind if that was how she was brought up for almost all her life.

Untitled

I love you and you loved me,
We fit and match perfectly
There was nothing better other than we
Now, all but a scar was left
Not life, not a soul, not a breath
For when the bullet shot through your heart,
'Twas Death, I realized, who made us part

A Piece of Annabel Lee's Heart

Skies beheld; Lo! Its angels have fallen
There, crying, I saw my Edgar Allan,
Mourning the beautiful Annabel Lee
                                  and her lovin'

Midnight Thoughts

'You are not to cry,' said Brain, 'Crying is for the weakest of spirits, the poorest of souls, the saddest of hearts.'

'Are you not blessed? For I have loved you with a love that crossed borders, went beyond horizons and outside nations, through the darkest nights and the brightest days. I have loved you with a love that was willing to forgive all your iniquities and shortcomings...'

And that, my friends, is the very center of my soul trying to talk sense into my shallow self. La dolce vita, indeed.

Throwback Kahit 'Di Thursday

This was me yeaaaaaaaaaars ago. I could almost die from watching this video, partially, because of shame, but mostly, because of its hilarity. Oh, the innocence of youth-- completely unaware of career suicides, embarrassments and the like...

Dito, 2nd year high school pa lang ako. Ngayon, magiging 2nd yr college na ako. How fast time flies.

A Letter for Nobody

To you,

I was made to believe that with our love, I could catch the stars.

It was already too late when I realized that stars weren’t made for catching. They merely exist to give out a soft light when the road gets too dark, and to be gazed upon at night.

In our case, I was that star. I was just another burned out candle in the dark, another treasure to be coveted, and another conquest to fail.

I would never be that light that would brighten up your days, or maybe I could, but like another burned out candle, my flames would just get exhausted and soon die, leaving you lost in the dark. I’m just a sunken treasure; perhaps valuable, but forever never within anyone’s reach.

I know how much you hate losing. You always have to get your way, but this is not a game where winning matters. We both know we’re bound to lose each other… I don’t want to see the day when you’ll be alone and crying for me, though, I never really would see that day, of course.

I don’t really mind losing, but losing you is not a game. As much as I want to keep you, my love for you overpowers all my foolish wants.

I know I have to let you go.

One day, I hope you’ll realize that all I wanted was for your happiness, and everything I’m doing will give you that. At least, I hope so. The first part will have to hurt, that is inevitable, but if I stay with you any longer, it will hurt more in the long run. I’m not even sure if I can stay any longer.

I have to let you go.

Know that I haven’t stopped loving you as I write this letter, and I think you’ll be the last person on earth I’ll ever have feelings this strong before I pass away.

Love,

Me

"Ano nga bang nangyari noon? Ah, tama. Dahil sa di-makatuwirang katuwiran at dahilang 'di mo na maalala e nagtangka kang magpakamatay."

"Si daddy kasi, e..."

"Eh bakit nga ba talaga? Anong puno't dulot ng lahat?"

"Di ko na maalala. Basta, napuno na ako."

"Napuno ka ng ano, hangin? Paano mo nga ba 'yun ginawa? Paano ka nagtangkang magpakamatay?"

"Alin dun? Nakailan na rin ako, e... Maglalaslas sana ako kaso nahuli ako. Bata pa 'ko nun. 'Yun ang una ko."

"Bakit mo ginawa 'yun?"

"Kasi ayaw makipagbati sa akin ni Ate Badet noon."

"Ang babaw. E, 'yung iba?"

"Magbibigti sana ako. Naghahanap na ako ng pwedeng pagsabitan ng tali, kaso kumatok si daddy. Ayoko namang mahuli. 'Di ko na lang din tinuloy."

"Nakakapanghinayang ba?"

"Ewan."

"Yung iba?"

"Yung bigti-bigtian pa rin, kaso laging nauudlot."

"Di pala counted 'yung mga nabanggit mo. May successful ka bang attempt?"

"E di sana di mo na ako kausap ngayon kung meron."

"Yun lang ba pinagmamalaki mo?"

"Di ah! 'Yung latest ko, medyo interesting 'yun."

"Ano bang nangyari?"

"Nag-away kami ni  Daddy. Tinopak ako. Umiyak ako. Maglalaslas sana ako, kaso masyadong madugo. Duwag talaga ako. Pag nagbigti naman ako, walang pagsasabitan nung tali."

"Anong ginawa mo?"

"Naghanap ako ng mga gamot sa bahay. Ininom ko lahat."

"Ilan ang ininom mo?"

"18 lang yata 'yun, e."

"Anu-anong gamot?"

"Halo-halo. Biogesic, Neozep, Tuseran. Kung anong nakita ko, yun."

"Bakit buhay ka pa ngayon?"

"Lumaban kasi ako."

"Nagpakamatay ka pero sinubukan mong mabuhay? Anong kagaguhan 'yan?"

"Nung nagising kasi ako kinabukasan, I took it as a sign that it wasn't my time. So I took it from there. Lumaban ako."

"O, tapos?"

"Sa public ward [?] ako na-confine. May kasama akong matandang halos di na makabangon at makahinga. Naisip ko, 'Kung yung matanda nga, gusto pang mabuhay, bakit ako hindi?' Leche, nakakahiya. Ang makasarili ko. 'Di ko naisip 'yung magiging resulta kung natuluyan ako."

"Halata nga. Masyadong magastos 'pag namatay ka. 'Yung sinabi mong pinagtawanan ka nung mga nurse nung sinabi mong nagtangka ka? Dapat lang 'yun sa'yo. Nakakahiya ka. Ikinakahiya kong nakilala kita."

"Ano kasi, nakakakita ako ng kutsilyo kagabi. Grabe, gustong-gusto ko talagang subukan."

"Bakit?"

"Ewan ko."

"Hindi. Ibig kong sabihin, ba't di mo sinubukan? Oportunidad mo na 'yun!"

"Nangako ako, e. Naalala kong sabi ko dati nung huli akong nagtangka, di na 'ko uulit."

"O, tapos? Anong gusto mong sabihin ko sa'yo? Proud ako sa'yo?"

"Ha?"

"Kailan ka ba magtatanda?"

"... 

Insecurity

It was the fifth of the month and like the usual, we were both on our way home from school. The only new thing about the evening was that another friend was walking with the two of us. Ever heard of the cliché, “Three is a crowd”? Well, not only have I heard of it, but I damn felt it that evening. The sidewalk wasn’t as wide as I hoped it would be, leaving me with two options: either I let you walk ahead of me, making me feel like a third wheel or insist to walk together and then maybe get hit by a ten-wheeler truck.

Of course, I’m not that stupid. I chose the former. And so, the story continues with the three of us walking on the way to where we wait for the jeepney.

“Actually, the book was published way back in the 90’s,” my dear cousin bragged. As if I don’t know that. “The Giver” was written by a Lois (Not Louise, FYI, dear cousin) Lowry. Our friend didn’t share the sentiment with me and seemed to be in awe of everything my cousin said. I don’t know if it was just plain sarcasm on my friend’s part, but it doesn’t matter. That is much better than only having a cellphone (that has even no load!) to keep me sane throughout the evening stroll. Then, a familiar feeling came over me. The whole world suddenly became a blur, and all I could make out were the hazy flashes of lights from the sidelights of the cars that passed by the highway and the figures of my friend and my cousin laughing out loud, talking together.

I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life.

I began thinking, “What do I have to do to be like her?” There was my cousin, with this discernible light around her… I’ve always wanted to be like her. I tried to be the crazy one, so that people would somehow notice me, hoping they would love me. But there she was, loved by everyone, and she didn’t even have to try too hard. Then, there’s me—the crazy one, the weird one, the KSP one, the talented one… Some people said she was insecure of me. Maybe she is. I cannot deny this one big truth though, that although there is a huge possibility of her being insecure of me, there is this even larger reality of me being more insecure of her.

I watched her footsteps. What do I have to do to be like her? I thought.

And I continue to think of that up to now.