A little over a year ago, I was looking for cheap burial options. Right now, I'm wide awake binge watching The Haunting of Hill House and feeling so lucky, thank the heavens, for my boyfriend. This love makes me maybe want to start believing in a god again because there's nothing else I can think of to be grateful towards.

My heart hurt deeply and I wept over Luke's episode. It gave me a grasp on understanding what my mom and relatives did when I stepped in their home. I'm not yet fully sure what to make of that, but I think it will be helpful in easing the resentment out of my system and my life. 

I want to read and write again. I'm not sure if I've ever said that out loud over the past years, because all I've known is the shame in not being good enough. Admitting this now feels good. Wanting things feels good, even with the possibility of never getting it at all. 

A small part of me is worried about the crash after this high is done, but as with all ebbs and flows, I'll ride out this wave until the next. 

Good morning.

Here are my current favorites. 

Ang hirap labanan ng lason. Nakakasira ng bait. I've been cheated on before. Ang hirap kalaban ang sarili. 

 Di naman nya ako namimiss. Okay na to kasi lugi lang din naman ako. 

I always long for my guy but I feel like we're just sexually incompatible. That's sad. Sa simula lang magaling. Baka nga bothered pa rin ako sa nakita ko. 

 

I was feeling lighthearted and a bit uplifted and now I'm sad and frustrated because why do things have to be so hard why can't we have just one good day why can't things work out for everyone why do things have to push us against each other if everyone means well for everyone else. If I'm really the bad person I think of nothing but maybe the need to be gone. I don't necessarily mean off-ing myself, but just somewhat gone. Maybe disintegrate. 

I have things to be grateful for, and I am. I haven't decided yet if they outweigh all these. Should they?

The end of a clock's ticking doesn't stop time.