I feel so crappy it's manifesting into physical pain. 

I tried walking on my way home because they said mobility should help me get out of this funk, but it worsened. I felt lightheaded and I think I was close to idk dissociating idk I'm not diagnosed. Idk if I looked normal walking anymore it felt weird I gave up and got on a jeepney across Southmall. It's not even that I was tired.

I don't think Matt still loves me. Or maybe I just love him more. Nobody's counting. Or maybe he loves me enough and my brain just functions like crap. 

Real-time update, I got off the wrong stop. So so out of it. So I'm walking back again. Lol.

Would've asked Aj if I can drop by, but I realized she said she wont be home over the weekend. Or maybe I just imagined that. 

How do you know if a relationship is headed to a fall? Is ours one of those. 

I don't feel real. 

I feel apologetic for the time he spends with me, like every and any chance we get and if we can find time for each other is something better spent elsewhere. He has reassured me already, although I think we still have more to discuss, but if I had a better functioning mind, it would have been enough. 

The last few days since then, I've become emotionally numb. I feel detached. Feeling ko, na-trigger ata 'to gawa nung sa amin ni Matt nung nakaraan. Pero it's not like I did this intentionally. I saw this:

Parang di ko na mahal agad si Matt. We just said our I love you's and it felt empty & hollow saying those words. At the same time, I'mm well aware it is wrong. It shouldn't be like this. I wish to snap out of it. I don't feel optimistic about the relationship anymore. 

I shared this to AJ, and this is what she said. Helped a bit. Hope I get out of this rut sometime soon. 

I've cried away every waking hour I've had to myself since then. 

All I know is that I don't want to smother Matt and potentially make him feel like he's on a leash. 

I'm also very much aware that my self-esteem is shit. 

I know you love Matt pero if you don't see any value in your identity now, si Matt lang reason mo to be happy. Alam ko nakakasaya talaga pero will you really go there without an idea kung anong gusto mo para sa sarili mo? Di ko sinasabi na controlling ka. Pero right now only u can control is you in this relationship kaya all in ka kahit na di ka sure ano gusto mong work, anong gusto mo sa buhay, how about your dog?

Open minded ako. Wala naman din akong ganap dito. Might as well have something good. Bebu can be re-homed. I have friends. Or I can go to my father. 

Is it really a good enough reason for you? Yan ba magiging stand mo pag nag-away kayo doon. Pag na-feel mo out of nowhere, di mo kaya. 

Ofc not. Kailan ako nagsumbat ng effort ko. 

Then find something solid. Di siya pwedeng si Matt... that's for me

Makes sense. Find something solid tho? Lapida. Ayoko na. Hassle. Nagtatry ako. Hassle na ng araw-araw tapos kala mo promising na. Biglang may ganitong gatong. Quota na ako. 

*hugs* first

Alam mo, walang solid sa buhay ko. Ako ang solid. Ako lang. Kahit saan ako itapon, yan lang ang alam kong meron ako. Oo, alam ko it sounds codependent, pero in all my shitty self esteem, solid ako. Gets mo ba? Wala akong ambisyon. Pero kung kailangan ko palang iadjust perspective ko, which is what I'm already doing anyway, eh di adjust. I find reprieve in the small things. I'm willing to try anything if a chance comes my way. Open-minded naman ako. Wala na akong gusto. Everyone can leave. I have nothing to lose. You can list down all names, even Matt. I'm not living a life. 

Don't misunderstand, I'll still hurt. I love the people in my life, pero tanggap ko nang wala. I have nothing. 

So you're looking at walang ambisyon and walang gusto as your advantage?

In a way, yes. Might as well let life surprise me. This is a comfort zone in a way. Who knows. 

Is it better with Matt?

He makes me want to be better, though those are only small steps for now. Kaya I asked about growth. You have to nag Ryan. Matt tells me, and I consider. I've reached out to my mother. It's been easier to accept that maybe even if I don't have the job I used to want, there's something I can do with my life. Mas naging open-minded ako in a way. I've gained more gratitude. I want to try harder. And to continuously do so. I'm not saying this is all because of Matt because I deserve the most credit, but he's a ray of light. At the same time, even with the good, I'm well aware I can lose all these too. I don't have everything in control. Sorry. I'm not sure if I'm making sense. Of all things, ayokong maging pabigat. Ayokong maging codependent. So I'll do my best to carry my own weight. If I can afford to do the lifting, I would rather do that. 

Go with what you think is the best option for you. 

Ang madali ay maghintay mabangga ng ten-wheeler. 

Gusto mo sumama diba... Do you have the means? Then go. 

Di ko alam. Wala akong gusto. Hassle na rin kay Matt. What I've been doing is I've had a headstart on mourning. 

It's good that he knows how this would go. If he wants to plan shit, I'm all ears. I know where I stand in everyone's life, and I won't impose and take up even an inch more. It's all good. Otherwise, I've started mourning already. I can detach. I can lose anything because I have nothing. Bebu, friends, job. Whatever. 

Ako yung solid. Pwede, solid till I'm not kasi who knows di ba? But I'm trying. 

You can be sad and detach. That's all okay. Sorry if i said walang solid. I think you are naman. Maybe a plan.

No, it's true tho. I get you. I have no ambition. I have no long-term goals. I have no money. I'm not paying for a house. I don't have insurance. I have no family. 

Kaya siguro you are built to see this as something another event in your life that will pass. 

Everything. Till death. I'm just waiting to die tbh. I mean, if there's an opportunity for a better place in life, I'm open. Otherwise, I'm just waiting to die. 

You're continuously seeking one naman?

Why would I seek? No na. 

Then you just let it be and wait for good things to happen?

Not everything is in my control, and everything I ever wanted and I tried to attain, I never got. The things that were out of my control didn't go in my favor. Wala na akong expectations sa buhay. I'll just do my best to be a good person. 

But not everything you attain, you want it too. 

Yeah. Talaga. Wala talaga akong gusto dito. Nacorner lang ako. If I chose differently, that would've been more triggering and I'd have died earlier. 

Sometimes, there is no better. There's nothing more to expect from life. At most, I'll have to make do with whatever silver linings there are in whatever situation I find myself. I could forever be broke, so I'll find solace in friends. I could lose friends, so I'll settle with knowing I always try. The grass is always greener where you water it. 

Reyna said something yesterday that stuck with me:

He hasn't told me he loves me back today. 

Thanks for making time, you. 

I'll look back upon this fondly and how it's been a good run. He sent me this song. 

Previously on I Seem to be the Universe's Guinea Pig and They Plan to Use Up All Drama Tropes on Me Till I Die...

There's a possibility of Matt going abroad to study. That's great news for him. I think there's a good chance of this happening. May connection din siya eh. 

Last night, I was determined to fight for this relationship no matter what. Now, I've been considering maybe I should let go. Maybe that's the lesson?

Maybe that's what's going to be best?

Like, I'd never want to be in his way or anyone's way. Iiyak ako bago matulog. Iiyak ako paggising. Iiyak sa trabaho. Umiiyak ngayon. Clear-cut naman anong possible outcomes. He also laid it out, the generous king 👑 that he is. Slay! 💅✨

I also want this for him.

Tinanong ako ng kaibigan ko kung anong gusto ko.

"Sa buhay? Wala," paglilinaw ko.

Ang tanga ko ata sa utak nito. Sa relationship daw kasi namin.

"Committed naman talaga ako," sagot ko naman. "All-in. Libingan levels." 

So keri mo if maging ldr kayo?

I want to give it a shot, yeah. I'll do my best to be more understanding. Pero naiintindihan ko rin where he's coming from. He needs to work 60 hrs/week + study. Isisingit niya pa ako? Sabi na nga ni Matt mismo, it'll be no different from penpals. 

Am I worth all that trouble? I have nothing going for me. I don't want to weigh him down either. And call this crazy, but ang daming readings about traveling for Geminis lately. Kaya rin I've been thinking maybe this is it for him and I'm only standing in the way.

Nothing's set in stone pa naman, sabi niya. Sabi niya, can't we enjoy things while we have them? Tama naman siya, pero paano ako when he leaves?

This isn't a Netflix movie. Di ko kaya yun. 

Realistically kasi you're someone who needs quality time based on all the times we talked, so kaya mo ba na ldr kayo ganon pero you'll hardly talk? 

Hindi ko alam, tbh. I don't want to break promises. I don't want to give up on this too. But I don't want to get in the way here. Breaking things off is the easy way out.

Or... ORRRR, highly baliwan option: you could go din. 

I'd be a burden if I join him. Tsaka wala akong balak sa buhay. I don't have the money for it. 

no one has the money for anything talaga hahshhda

So ano, YOLO na lang? Hahahaha wala naman tayong pera regardless. 

Wala akong pera. Wala akong pamilyang matatakbuhan for this. And for love? I'd be scoffed and laughed at. I'd laugh at myself.

Sinabi ko naman na sa kanya dati pa even before this na committed ako. Gusto kong eto na.

Para lang akong floater, waiting for when I die.

I'm scared. These are actual life decisions. I stopped doing that when I ran away from home and started schooling. I'm scared kasi this is a big step. Would Matt even want the trouble? Ang bigat na sobra ng kanya tapos aalalahanin niya na rin ako. Ayokong maging pabigat. 

And for something so major, his parents will be involved at some point. I mean maybe the entire process. And since sabit ako, wow talaga ba? Hahaha. 

I'm ashamed of myself. Nahihiya akong itabi sarili ko kay Matt. And for a relationship that's less than 6 months old, huh?

If I were his parents, tataas kilay ko.

Think about it as something you'd do for you yk

I know. But I feel like I'd be no more than this dead weight. Ang sa akin, I can move past the fear of going into the unknown. Walang problema yan. Hindi ako maarte. I've been on survival mode for the longest time, that's not a problem. I won't be a sex worker tho sori no offense all women thats my personal boundary (atm but who knows idk).

But taking conscious actions towards something that I don't even really want (I just have no thoughts or opinions on it, don't hate it; don't love it either) and then leaving messing up other people's spaces? IDK. 

That's what scares me.

I've always taken comfort in knowing I'm not a burden to anyone.

Kaya rin todo effort ako kay Matt. If there's anything I could do to make it easier for him, if kaya ko, ako na lang.

No man is an island, my dude. Made-drain ka!! 

Oo naman. I know when to ask for favors. I can borrow money if I have to, outspoken ako about my needs. Pero iba 'to. Gets mo naman di ba?

If it means staying in my corner of the world, okay na rin. Wala naman na akong balak to do big, cool stuff. If anything comes my way and I find time for it, great. If I don't, okay.

Generally speaking, I'm not exactly looking forward to anything about the future. I don't even think about it.

But I want to be with Matt.

There are plans I think about. I'm just waiting on some things. Money for the most part.

How do I ask for a sign? Alam mo naisip kong magdasal. Idk. Kinausap ko na si Lord in my head.

Malay mo, gateway girl lang din pala ako before he sets off to the great life he's always wanted.

I know he loves me.

Pero the world and life is so much bigger than us. And I know love is too, and may even be bigger.

Kaya ako, okay nalang sa akin mag-let go. Ayokong maging pabigat. Mahal ko siya. Willing akong gumapang naman. Hindi ako takot sa kung anong kahahantungan nito if shit hits the fan basta walang manggagago sa amin.

If this means jumping off a cliff even when idk how to swim, as long as he says he's at the bottom, okay. And I'm aware he can't guarantee ding he'll always be there waiting. Gets. Pero okay lang naman sa akin.

I know he loves me, pero tanggap ko namang he may think the relationship isn't worth all this trouble. It's a big deal.

This wasn't part of the plan naman talaga to start with. Wala naman ding plan. Pero I didn't have this in mind. 

I've lived life just waiting for something to drop from the sky. 

I'll just keep replaying in my head na he's not ready for that commitment. Maybe he will be, just not with me. Tiisin ko na lang hanggang makaalis siya. Nakikita ko nang maghihiwalay kami. Di ko rin siya susumbatang bakit siya nakipagrelasyon kung ganon, kasi naiintindihan ko.

We're not in the same level of commitment. Hindi nade-demand yung ganun. Ayoko ring nagde-demand. Fair enough, if I'm allowed a minute of delusion, sabi niya, he's willing to take it by the day, for as many as he is allowed to, until he's on the same page as me. 

But I don't wanna be a part of his worries. Alam ko ring it's a given kasi we're in a relationship— he'll wonder if I've eaten, if my dog hasn't killed me yet, if I haven't been hit by a car, if work was okay, if my boss was an ass. Mga mundane stuff, kung anong ginagawa ko. 

But anything more is too much. I don't want to take up more space in his mind when he has other things far more important to think about. I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I don't want to intrude. And I love him. He's the person I wouldn't want to do this to the most.

Klaire made a great playlist and shared it on Substack. I'll link two songs from it that I've always liked. It holds more meaning and the lines bear more weight now. 

Here's for wishful thinking, and here's to cope. 

Am I being stupid?

Life is already shitty enough. If I'm going to struggle for the rest of my life, why can't I have something that I actually want along for the ride?

He's leaving because he doesn't feel any sense of fulfillment career-wise, and this is also me, but I haven't figured out yet what I exactly want, so I'm taking my time until I find something that clicks. If eto na pala talaga ako, well, at least I've figured it out. Maybe I'll just compensate with the other parts of my life. But I don't buy this answer yet. So I'll wait. This is me.

He said we have three possible endings—1) we break up before he leaves, 2) I go there and he thinks it'll disrupt my life eh I'm still figuring it out, OR 3) He returns here, turning his back on his chance at feeling fulfilled and also eventually resenting me for it. I don't want the 1st scenario. I don't want the 3rd one either. I'm open to the second one, but I have nothing solid yet. What life is there to disrupt here?

I lose everything with #1, but it's the easy way out though. And I know I'll always have myself. Everything stays the same. Not much to adjust to. I'll deal with the pain as I have with my many other hurt.

Option 2, I question its plausibility. Money is a VERY big issue.

Option 3, it's the same as losing him except it's gradual instead.

The nice things I have right now are compensation and silver linings to the shitty life I've led. I'd know deep down if I can't commit. I have enough self-awareness for it. I love this person so much, I'm sure of it. I'm not with him just to make up for the solitude, because I was okay before him. There have been several ugly days here and there. But I manage to get back up and carry on. Wait till I die. I'm not afraid to be alone. But I love him.

Or do I not know what I'm talking about? Am I being a stupid? Do I sound like a child?

I know I'm young and a lot can change. I still have a lot of things I need to outgrow. I want to grow with this person.

I don't have a clear picture of what the future holds for me. And I've always found it hard to imagine a future for myself. But if there's anything that's in my control, I hope this is one of those things.

Going over it again though, I feel disheartened because he's not willing to try. 

Unfortunately, I can't go with how he wants things to be (judging from everything he's said so far) and pretend like things are good until he leaves. I value my time and energy, and I'm not a masochist. I'm not a martyr. 

We'll still talk naman. Idk. May life be kind. 

 I was right to cry. Idk how to navigate this relationship anymore. Idk what he wants. I also can't ask yet. I'm not ready for that conversation. We just reassured each other last time, and now this curveball. Labo naman ni God. 

 Basta ako ay big girl na ☹️ if he didnt want me to imagine the worst, he wouldn't do this. I suppose it's this bad. At least I have an hour to prepare for the worst. I know it's not gonna soften the blow. Pero at least may release na. Sikip ng dibdib ko. 

It was supposed to be a better day. I feel sad about how I can't do anything to make things better for the people around me :( sana lahat na lang ng bagay may solid solutions na attainable din on my end. :( 

Anyway kilig ako nang very lite kasi pinost ako ng jowaers. I did not exfeck to be part of the tough ten:

Ang akin lang ay magugulat na lang ba ako sa mga pic na biglang maglilitawan courtesy of the jowa. Buti di ako pangit dun WAHAHHAHAA

In other news, tinatamad pa akong asikasuhin goal ko, wahaha. May deadline akong naka-set naman. Need ko rin ng more money for it. It may take me till next month to act on it. 

Going back, world peace at peace of mind for everyone lang talaga please lang. Hay nako. Daming bad news lately, te. Alat alat ng buhay. Sana okay naman sa kung nasaan ka man. 

May sasabihin daw ang jowa sa akin. Kinakabahan ako. Feeling ko di pa naman ako delusional at irrational so I'll be able to accept the worst and understand. Maybe it was wrong to start believing. Maybe I'm also just overthinking. Either way, if this doesn't work out, I'm never going to bother again anymore. 

Bigat sa dibdib. 

 

I still feel crappy about myself. But we're ok. I hope I feel better soon. 

 I wish I were emotionally stable. 

 I've been feeling more insecure the past few days. I wanted to take advantage of the deal I had with Airene where we could turn to each other for reminders about the goodness we have, but I don't want to fish. I still don't feel sleepy. 

For some reason, I don't feel at ease. 

 Do I want this space found? 

 I wish there was something good about me. Not decent or passing, but unquestionably good. 

Was bored.

We're okay. Sometimes, it's his dense brain; most of the time, it's mine that's overthinking.

I'm so grateful for this person. He's really a great guy. The relationship isn't perfect, but it's never been this way with any other guy. I really want this to work. He's teaching me to be more grateful and the relationship is teaching me to be more patient. I've never desired someone like I do w him.

Sana di lang siya character development. I don't want to lose him. I really want to be with him for a long time, but of course, not everything is within my control. I want to be good and do good. Thank you for this person. 

Jowa said cute daw yung isa kong friend tapos na-realize kong all my girl friends ARE pretty 🤤

then y am i still str8 i could've been bi or smth hahahahaha jk 

This put me off though:

Siguro I was put off kasi friend knows I'm not in the same setup she is, and also because I want to be exclusive with this person. Literally just told her this is the most of the mosts (positive) guy I've ever been with. Prolly just a joke made in bad taste lalo na bc my boyfriend is a real person. I'm not sure if I'd laugh along if it were Matt's friend who'd joke about it.

Calling someone attractive, idc. Appreciating someone for their good qualities, idc.

Maybe I'm even the issue for taking offense. Haha it's all good, just found it off for a good minute. I'm satisfied where I am. 

I get how my ex felt when the people at work would pair me up with someone else. Maybe this is it. 

 What I thought was a good day apparently is not. Head hurts again 

 Dami ko grammar error sa last. I'm tired. Back hurts like hell di na tama

There are a lot of things and people to shit on, and while I can do without this thing we have between us, he is still one of the few I am thankful for on the daily, the good bit of the worst days even in his (supposed) worst (translation: when I bitch about him bc otherwise why would I complain with a passion if I deem it unworthy of my time and energy...)

Things still don't feel real sometimes, but a moment is just a small fraction of the day. 

I still want to get run over by a truck though. 

Therapy is expensive, but my boyfriend's thank-you messages are for free

Among many other things, my boyfriend has taught me to become more grateful. Therapy is expensive, but my boyfriend's thank-you messages are for free. 

 

As horrible as it sounds, I guess one reason why I'm not as excited anymore is because I've been let down and I'm scared to get my hopes up only to be disappointed again. 

There's also my issue with feeling like a burden to other people. I'd rather be the one who goes the extra mile for other people than be the one on the receiving end so that I can have that certainty that I'm never a burden to everyone else. 

I read this and cried a little.

My boyfriend does remind me I make him happy. Maybe I'll think of that. The brain is a liar. 

Things I found funny kasi related sa blog/blog post ko:

Something he said recently:

An old post:

I don't really feel as excited, tbh. Naisip ko saglit to lie and tell him last minute na hindi pala siya pwedeng sumabit sa lakad ko sa Sabado. I know it's not helpful. 

Whatever. May the universe guide me to whatever is best for me. I don't like na nawawalan ako ng gana. 

This stung but tis fine.

How do the years fly by quickly when each day is slow? 

Today was scary. My hand went numb. I thought it was a warning sign of a stroke or smth. What if I become terminally ill when I'm older. I wonder what would become of me by then.

I no longer want to make plans with you. It's disappointing how ppl are so careless with words. I hope to rid myself of feelings that don't really do me any good.

People have also been commenting a lot today about my body, how I've lost so much weight which has always been my ultimate goal, but I don't know why it just makes me mad. 

I weighed myself today and saw I'm now down to 46 kg, but why do I still think I look fat? I've always wanted to go back to only being 45 kg and now that I've 1kg left to lose, I still don't feel completely accepting of how my body looks? Is this body dysmorphia or what?

I realized the reason why I'm bored is because I don't want to consume any media. I don't want to read or watch anything. Music is all I can tolerate, but unlike before, there are even moments when I'd prefer silence lately. I think it has something to do with being stuck in my room and doing everything here? And alone? I'm usually ok with being alone, but I don't have anything new about myself to enjoy with. I feel mad sad I wanna die I just feel very bad. I can't fully explain what it is but I'm not happy. I'm upset. 

 Ugly day. Ignorance is bliss. 

If it was my ex I saw, I wouldn't be as affected, but I saw my current boyfriend. And parang lumiit yung mundo ko. Parang natakot ako to be branded as whatever I was branded before he met me. Ang sikip ng dibdib ko. That maybe he'll think less of me. Na no matter what I do, tainted na ako.

And I know it's out of my hands if he starts loving me less, but even so, you can't fault me for wishing it won't have to come to that. 

I can only hope. 

Keeping this here. Sana maka-date ko na ulit jowa ko. 

Ang saya ko sa jowa ko yun lang. Miss ko na siya.